FIRST CIRCLE, HELL—Able to partake in many of the freedoms afforded to those who still walk the Earth, the soul of disgraced financier and convicted scam artist Bernie Madoff was assigned to a cushy circle of Hell reserved for white-collar sinners, sources from the afterlife confirmed Thursday. “It barely even counts as Hell, if you ask me,” said the eternally damned Robert Kalas, a heretic trapped in a flaming tomb, explaining how, outside of some light daily penance, the architect of the world’s largest Ponzi schemer would basically get to hang out and play cards by the river of blood while other evildoers were pecked at by harpies, whipped by demons, and torn apart by fiendish hounds. “He’s allowed to freely roam the upper circles, and he’s got security, so there’s not going to be anyone stabbing him with pitchforks or anything like that. It’s honestly nicer than some of the poorer parts of Heaven.” At press time, the rest of Hell’s occupants were reportedly tortured further for having committed the sin of envying Madoff.
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