NORTHBROOK, IL—Describing their new pasta as the perfect quick meal for busy weeknights, Italian food brand Bertolli claimed Tuesday that its new ravioli delivers perfectly empty al dente pasta casings floating in filling-saturated water in a mere five minutes. “Simply bring four cups of salted water to a boil, carefully drop in the ravioli, and soon you’ll have a delicious, lukewarm pot of square noodles drifting amid waterlogged cheese, sausage, or mushrooms,” read the product’s packaging in part, which is also peppered with the Italian translations of various cooking terms such as “tepid,” “gluey,” and “mush” for a touch of added authenticity. “Once your pasta fragments float to the top of the thin filling-and-water solution, carefully attempt to fish them out with an increasingly clogged wire strainer or useless slotted spoon while angrily muttering to yourself. Top the resulting sad, flavorless glop with your choice of Bertolli pasta sauce for a diluted Italian feast. Buon appetito!” The instructions repeatedly mention that the pasta should be left in the water for an additional two to three minutes longer than normal to meet the desired level of sogginess.

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