Median Income: 3.5 credit hours
Idealistic Hopes And Dreams Crushed Per Day: 1.4 million
Cost Of Living Like Friends Back Home: $2.5 million a year
Number Of Old Bags In Rent-Controlled Apartments Who Need To Just Die Already: 11,078
Rockettes Per Capita: 0.000019
Number Of Residents Under 30 Living In Dream Brownstone Apartment In Greenwich Village After Making It In The Big City: 0
Likelihood Your Dumb Ideas About Art Will Be Indulged: 100 percent
Still In Texas: Yes
Popular Activities: Live music, food trucks, unsuccessfully pursuing misguided dreams longer than any of your other college friends, biking
Friends’ Shows We Might Catch Later: 2
Number Of Drummers’ Girlfriends Who Are Holding Band Back: 4,900
Place You Will Actually Pack Up And Move To: No
Median Rent: Hooboy
Wi-Fi Strength: -50 dBm
Number Of Apps It Takes To Get From One Part Of City To Another: 4
Weather: Mild climate softens blow of living on the streets
Earthquakes: Constant in your mother’s mind as soon as you move here
Environmental Initiatives: City recycles 90 percent of failed startups
Best Neighborhood For Young People Just Starting Out: 28 miles outside city limits
Average Number Of Unbearable Interactions When You Leave The House: 2.54 per outing
The Mall: Depressing, inexplicably comforting
Number Of Promotions Former Classmate Has Earned At Local Supermarket Since Being Bagboy Back In High School: 2
Pace At Which 10 Goddamn Years Of Your Life Pass: Just like that
Unshakable Sensation That You Both Belong Here And Are A Stranger Here: Inescapable and oppressive
Cost Of Living: Admission of defeat