Trust us, it’s way better just to die alone. Here are the most effective ways to make friends as an adult.
Have An Amicable Divorce
Reap the rewards of a civil, mutually agreed-upon separation.
Re-Enroll At Your Old High School
It was so effortless the first time around!
Completely Change Every Aspect Of Your Personality To Become More Likable
This may sound intense, but it’s still way easier than joining that neighborhood jogging group.
Enlist In The Army
A tight-knit group of friends you get to travel the world with? Sign us up!
Join A Book Club
God, has it really come to this?
Don’t Be So Weird
What’s wrong with you? Just be normal for once, okay? Is that so hard?
Tell Existing Friends They’re Insufficient
Let the friends you already have know that they’re not quite enough and ask if they have other friends you can connect with.
If you sense a friendship connection, fall to your knees and let the person know that they’re all that stands between you and death from sheer loneliness.
Other adults may be too busy, but friendship is a top priority for 11-year-olds.
Host A Dinner
You should be able to attract several new friends with just a few strategically placed cans of tuna on your front porch.
Attempt To Relate To Other Adults By Shouting ‘I, Too, Am Mentally Ill’ In Crowded Areas
You’ll be getting dinner invitations in no time.
Buy Alcohol For A Group Of High Schoolers Hanging Outside A 7/11
They might even let you come to the party!
Play For A ‘Dream Team’ In The Olympic Basketball Tournament
Players who barely know each other report forming lasting bonds over just a few weeks of athletic dominance.
Invite Your Entire State To A Party
If even 1% of Colorado shows up, that’s still 57,000 people interested in socializing.
Constantly hanging around the same places that the person you want to befriend frequents will either result in a lifelong platonic connection or a restraining order.
Threats Of Physical Violence
Coworkers would be crazy to choose broken kneecaps over grabbing a beer and watching the game with you.
Start A Ponzi Scheme
Sure you’ll eventually lose all your friends, but you can make new ones in prison.
Have a lot of them, the friends will come.
Stand In The Corner At Parties You Weren’t Invited To
People will be intrigued by how mysterious you seem and will want to talk to you.
Find Someone With Friends, Then Assume Their Identity
You can be twice the friend Melissa is.
A companion ticket to St. Barts should be enough for most people to look past your abhorrent personality.
Build Your Own
Gather enough clay to form the rough shape of a human adult, and God may answer your prayers by breathing the breath of life into your hideous monstrosity.
Loyalty is hard to come by, so if you show up with some nice pelts and prostrate yourself, you’ll get noticed for sure.
Pay $150,000 For A Graduate Degree
It’s tempting, isn’t it?