Best Ways To Make Friends As An Adult

Best Ways To Make Friends As An Adult

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Trust us, it’s way better just to die alone. Here are the most effective ways to make friends as an adult.

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2 / 26

Have An Amicable Divorce

Have An Amicable Divorce

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Reap the rewards of a civil, mutually agreed-upon separation.

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Re-Enroll At Your Old High School

Re-Enroll At Your Old High School

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It was so effortless the first time around!

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Completely Change Every Aspect Of Your Personality To Become More Likable

Completely Change Every Aspect Of Your Personality To Become More Likable

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This may sound intense, but it’s still way easier than joining that neighborhood jogging group.

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5 / 26

Enlist In The Army

Enlist In The Army

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A tight-knit group of friends you get to travel the world with? Sign us up!

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Join A Book Club

Join A Book Club

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God, has it really come to this?

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Don’t Be So Weird

Don’t Be So Weird

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What’s wrong with you? Just be normal for once, okay? Is that so hard?

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Tell Existing Friends They’re Insufficient

Tell Existing Friends They’re Insufficient

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Let the friends you already have know that they’re not quite enough and ask if they have other friends you can connect with.

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Beg

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If you sense a friendship connection, fall to your knees and let the person know that they’re all that stands between you and death from sheer loneliness.

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Befriend Children

Befriend Children

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Other adults may be too busy, but friendship is a top priority for 11-year-olds.

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Host A Dinner

Host A Dinner

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You should be able to attract several new friends with just a few strategically placed cans of tuna on your front porch.

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Attempt To Relate To Other Adults By Shouting ‘I, Too, Am Mentally Ill’ In Crowded Areas

Attempt To Relate To Other Adults By Shouting ‘I, Too, Am Mentally Ill’ In Crowded Areas

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You’ll be getting dinner invitations in no time.

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Buy Alcohol For A Group Of High Schoolers Hanging Outside A 7/11

Buy Alcohol For A Group Of High Schoolers Hanging Outside A 7/11

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They might even let you come to the party!

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Play For A ‘Dream Team’ In The Olympic Basketball Tournament

Play For A ‘Dream Team’ In The Olympic Basketball Tournament

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Players who barely know each other report forming lasting bonds over just a few weeks of athletic dominance.

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Invite Your Entire State To A Party

Invite Your Entire State To A Party

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If even 1% of Colorado shows up, that’s still 57,000 people interested in socializing.

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Stalking

Stalking

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Constantly hanging around the same places that the person you want to befriend frequents will either result in a lifelong platonic connection or a restraining order.

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Threats Of Physical Violence

Threats Of Physical Violence

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Coworkers would be crazy to choose broken kneecaps over grabbing a beer and watching the game with you.

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Start A Ponzi Scheme

Start A Ponzi Scheme

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Sure you’ll eventually lose all your friends, but you can make new ones in prison.

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Drugs

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Have a lot of them, the friends will come.

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Stand In The Corner At Parties You Weren’t Invited To

Stand In The Corner At Parties You Weren’t Invited To

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People will be intrigued by how mysterious you seem and will want to talk to you.

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Find Someone With Friends, Then Assume Their Identity

Find Someone With Friends, Then Assume Their Identity

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You can be twice the friend Melissa is.

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Bribery

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A companion ticket to St. Barts should be enough for most people to look past your abhorrent personality.

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Build Your Own

Build Your Own

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Gather enough clay to form the rough shape of a human adult, and God may answer your prayers by breathing the breath of life into your hideous monstrosity.

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Pledge Featly

Pledge Featly

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Loyalty is hard to come by, so if you show up with some nice pelts and prostrate yourself, you’ll get noticed for sure.

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Pay $150,000 For A Graduate Degree

Pay $150,000 For A Graduate Degree

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It’s tempting, isn’t it?

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