EL SEGUNDO, CA—As part of the company’s ongoing effort to provide consumers with meat substitutes indistinguishable from the real thing, officials at Beyond Meat announced Wednesday they had created a fully conscious, completely plant-based veal calf. “We’re proud to offer our customers a veal replacement made from sentient calves whose bodies are composed of a 100% meat-free blend of soy and pea proteins,” said company spokesperson Jerry Caputo, explaining that the new product both tastes and behaves like a real calf and is equipped with a nervous system that allows it to feel just as much pain as a normal meat-based animal. “People can enjoy our veal chops guilt-free, knowing the food is sourced from a factory farm where the tiny, overcrowded pens are occupied by calves that do not contain a single ounce of meat. It took years to create a Beyond Meat calf that could bleat in anguish when torn away from its mother and tremble in fear upon being led into the slaughterhouse, but we did it. These little fellas can even defecate themselves when their throats are cut.” Officials confirmed the company’s next generation of veal calves would be 30% more intelligent than regular cows and capable of attempting suicide to escape their brutal living conditions.

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