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Biden Addresses Ukrainian Crisis With Speech About Perfect Malted Milkshake He Once Drank In 1957

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WASHINGTON—Projecting strength and solemnity as he delivered his prepared remarks, President Joe Biden addressed the crisis in Ukraine Friday with a speech about a perfect malted milkshake he once drank in 1957. “It was in a tall glass cup with a long spoon—long spoons, you don’t see those anymore,” said Biden, who paused for emphasis as he squinted into the camera, instilling a deep feeling of comfort and confidence in millions of viewers who watched the speech across the globe. “It was brought out to me on a silver platter by a gorgeous waitress wearing roller skates. She was African American. I turned to her and said, ‘Honey, how about you grab a second straw and join me once you get off your shift.’ Scorching day. That thick and creamy shake hit the spot. It cost a nickel, but boy oh boy, did it taste like a dollar!” At press time, Russian forces across the region had laid down their arms to watch the video on their phones.