Biden Announces Americans Will Be Able To Do What They Did At Christmas By July 4

Illustration for article titled Biden Announces Americans Will Be Able To Do What They Did At Christmas By July 4

WASHINGTON—Instilling hope that the end of the pandemic was in sight, President Joe Biden announced Thursday that Americans could expect to do what they did at Christmas by July 4. “If we do this together, there’s a good chance you’ll be able to treat yourself to a small gathering with family and friends, just like what you did three months ago because it was a holiday and you wanted a break,” said Biden in his first prime-time address as president, promising his administration was working around the clock to ensure that Americans could go do the exact same thing they did in December but with significantly less shame. “Keep in mind though, we mean small gatherings with a few family members and close friends. This won’t be like Thanksgiving when you hopped on a plane despite CDC warnings and congregated with your entire extended family and saw dozens of old high school classmates.” At press time, millions of Americans were looking forward to celebrating the good news at upcoming St. Patrick’s Day parties and bar crawls.