Biden Announces Nation Can Stay Up Till 9:30 Tonight

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WASHINGTON—Sighing as he gave in to the demands of all 330 million Americans, President Joe Biden announced Monday that the nation could stay up until 9:30 p.m. just this once. “But then it’s straight off to bed, no complaining,” said the commander in chief, informing the U.S. populace that, should they choose to stay up past their normal bedtime of 8:45, it would mean forgoing a bedtime story and going directly to lights out. “You can watch one episode of Gilmore Girls and eat one Oreo each, okay? But don’t get used to this. And you have to promise me that no one’s going to wake up in the middle of the night and ask to come sleep with me again. If you’re a nation that’s grown up enough to stay up late, you can certainly sleep in your own beds.” At press time, Biden was heard screaming at the nation that it’s 10:15, that he doesn’t care what time Canada goes to bed, and that as long as they’re living in this country, he gets to make the rules.