BRUSSELS—Speaking at an uncharacteristically rapid pace to move the meeting along more quickly, President Joe Biden reportedly cut a NATO summit short Friday in order to squeeze in a chocolate tour of Brussels. “Does anyone mind if we wrap this up early? I’ve got nonrefundable tickets to the afternoon chocolate tour, and it’s not as if this crisis won’t be here tomorrow,” said Biden, who slammed his document folders shut and shoved them toward an aide before rubbing his hands together, audibly humming “Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate town,” patting his stomach, and bidding the foreign dignitaries adieu. “Please, don’t be mad. I’ve been wanting to do this forever, and I’m so rarely in the area—in fact, it’s half the reason I agreed to attend this in person. Don’t get me wrong, I care about the urgent issues at hand, but right now I am needed at a variety of sampling stations around the city to experience the sweet, creamy sensations of Belgian chocolate. I have an idea—why don’t you all come with? It’s only like 35 bucks a pop. But promise—no shop talk when there’s chocolate present.” At press time, sources confirmed NATO members had agreed to call it a day after unilaterally signing off on an agreement to send Ukraine a box of truffles.
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