WASHINGTON—In an effort to honor the “sweet-ass” legacy of a hair metal band that he said “totally fucking shreds,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly snuck into the Oval Office early Thursday to forge President Obama’s signature on an executive order that would officially recognize December as Dokken History Month. “Look, I’ve already asked Barry a thousand times because Dokken’s a goddamn national treasure, but he just wouldn’t get with the program, so now we’re doing shit Diamond Joe’s way,” said Biden, who took extra care to ensure the president’s signature matched previous counterfeit executive orders he had fabricated to implement directives that required strip clubs in the capital to stay open past 2 a.m., created a federal holiday for Quiet Riot guitarist Randy Rhoads’ birthday, and pardoned his buddy Blaze, who reportedly got into a “little dustup” with some bikers outside Carson City, NV earlier this year. “This is a no-brainer. If you crank up Donnie’s killer vocals and George Lynch is wailing on his ax on your car stereo, I guarantee a smokin’ hot metal chick will be ripping your stick shift out of the gearbox in zero seconds flat. Every lick on Back For The Attack is like a shot of adrenaline right in the babymaker. So sometimes you gotta take matters into your own hands to make sure we set aside 31 days a year to keep rockin’ with Dokken.” According to sources, Biden then photocopied a “big-ass” stack of blank executive orders and grabbed a handful of official presidential pens so he could practice his Donald Trump signature.
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