WILMINGTON, DE—Assuring supporters that the transition process would continue apace regardless of the White House’s decision making, President-Elect Joe Biden insisted Wednesday that a lack of cooperation from the Trump administration would not interfere with the upcoming four years of total political inaction. “Folks, regardless of whether the president accepts the results today or never, we are working around the clock to ensure that on day one, this team can hit the ground running smack into a wall of partisan gridlock while contributing absolutely nothing of lasting value to the country,” said Biden in a press conference in which he revealed he had been working with a group of the country’s foremost experts on doing jack shit to help him guarantee he’ll be able to putter around the West Wing for four years while fielding questions about how congressional intransigence had ground his agenda to a complete and utter halt. “We hoped that Donald Trump would help us in this transition, but let me stress that I’m receiving outside briefings daily that will make sure I enter the Oval Office prepared to sit on my ass, twiddle my thumbs, and pretend to get something done for our photographer. Nothing—let me repeat, nothing—will stop that.” Biden also announced plans to reach out to Republicans across the aisle to ensure that a robust package of fuck-nothing was passed within his first hundred days.
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