Biden Offers Infrastructure Concession By Partially Demolishing Brooklyn Bridge

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WASHINGTON—In the latest overture to secure a deal with congressional Republicans, President Joe Biden made a significant concession in ongoing infrastructure negotiations Monday by partially demolishing the Brooklyn Bridge. “Look, if we’re ever going to move past the contentiousness of the past four years, we need to leave the door open to bipartisan compromises like detonating C4 charges across the Brooklyn Bridge to level half the structure, and that’s exactly what I’ve done,” said the president in a press conference that praised conservatives Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) and Susan Collins (R-ME) for remaining “flexible and pragmatic” on their calls to blow up all six of the bridge’s trusses. “Our colleagues on the other side of the aisle have come a long way by agreeing to drop their demands to scuttle the Staten Island Ferry. Plus, half of the Brooklyn Bridge is still standing. That’s a major win for progressives.” Biden added that Democrats could also frame the iconic bridge’s destruction as an opportunity for any commuters who want to drive their cars directly into the East River.