WASHINGTON—Saying it was time to “get out the hog for one last ride,” former Vice President Joe Biden pulled the dusty painter’s tarp off of his old campaign motorcycle Wednesday, gently running his hand along the polished chrome headlight and muttering “welcome back, baby.”
The vehicle, a 1979 Harley-Davidson Electra Glide with flame decals on both the front and rear fenders, had reportedly been sitting at the back of his garage since the last time he “tore ass” around the capitol in 2012. Sources confirmed that after checking to see if the horn still worked, Biden grabbed a red chamois cloth from his back pocket, spit into it, and begin buffing the bike’s custom “Diamond Joe” gas tank.
“The Cherry Chariot rides again,” said Biden, patting the sheepskin seat and releasing a small cloud of dust that was visible in the shop light above his 1980 Christy Brinkley Sports Illustrated poster. “Still a looker that can turn every damn head on the block.”
“What do you say we get you out of this cooped-up pen and go for a little spin?” Biden added while inspecting the muffler, a part he briefly removed during his 2007 primary bid to “let her rip loud as hell” at the Iowa State Fair. “You and I have a lot of catching up to do.”
Biden, who claimed that the bike could use a new paint job, said that with Bernie Sanders pulling his same old “commie shit” and Elizabeth Warren “totally tanking” in the polls, there was an opening for a Democrat who could ride in on 900 pounds of all-American steel and speak to the middle class.
Biden pointed out the motorcycle’s well-worn tire treads and explained that the touring bike, which he won in a 1981 drag race against Speaker of the House Tip O’Neill had “done Diamond Joe real solid” in his 1988 and 2008 presidential runs. The 76-year-old confirmed that just the sound of the engine tearing down an open straightaway was always enough to draw crowds that wanted to “get an eyeful of the goods.”
Biden also noted that the vehicle’s sidecar was the perfect size to hold either a running mate or keg.
“I used to take this thing up and down the coast. I even got Pelosi to come with for a little weekend shot up to the Delaware Water Gap,” said the former vice president, who added that some of his best early Senate memories were from that trip, with then-Junior-Representative Pelosi passing him ice-cold tallboys from the passenger saddle. “The bike has a personality all its own. Ask anyone who’s come to any of my town halls over the years. The thing’s a 450-cc white-hot clam magnet.”
“You hear that baby purring into third gear, your vote isn’t the only thing Uncle Joe’s gonna get,” continued Biden.
According to the former six-term Delaware senator, the motorcycle has been involved in a “ton of dicey scrapes.” Biden confirmed that during his previous presidential runs, the bike’s cam chain snapped “all the fucking time,” including once on the way to a diner in New Hampshire in 1988, forcing him to hitch a ride with a passing truck driver with whom he traveled the state until his campaign manager Gooch could tow it to a shop.
“I remember once I totally ate it around Buffalo in spring ’87. Let me tell ya, black ice will fuck you up. That’s how I got this,” said Biden, pulling down his oil-stained jeans to reveal a 4-inch scar above his left hip. “I probably should have gone to the ER, but instead I just dumped a bottle of Jack onto the wound, wrapped it in an old Baja hoodie, hammered the fork back into place, and hauled ass to the next campaign stop.”
“Let’s face it, I’m not as young as I used to be,” Biden continued. “It pains me to say, but I’m probably going to pussy out and wear a brain bucket for this rodeo.”
At press time, Biden reportedly opened the motorcycle’s studded leather storage bag to show off his official campaign steamroller.