WILMINGTON, DE—Ending two weeks of a transition blockade, President-elect Joe Biden confirmed Wednesday that he had received his first box of wadded-up napkins and greasy receipts comprising President Trump’s intelligence briefing. “We appreciate the Trump administration cooperating in a peaceful transition of power, and our team has already begun sifting through the important information scrawled on the odd banana peel and tuna can,” said Biden, adding that his staff was already using the damp cardboard box of soiled tissues and a plethora of crumpled hamburger wrappers containing possible national security threats to plan foreign policy strategy. “Some of the information we received may just be old take-out menus smeared in grease with some food items circled, but we can’t be sure, so we’ll be keeping them in case they contain any details of CIA covert actions. We’re also meeting with experts from the National Security Council, who are going to help us decipher the state secrets that seem to be written in barbecue sauce on the back of an empty Little Debbie Swiss Rolls box.” At press time, the Biden transition team was reportedly very alarmed by some smeared toothpaste on a Doritos bag that seemed to reference an impending terrorist attack on the United States.
We may earn a commission from links on this page.