Biden’s First State Of The Union: What To Expect

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President Joe Biden will deliver his first state of the union address this evening amid the ongoing coronavirus pandemic and the recent Russian invasion of Ukraine. The Onion looks at what to expect from Biden’s address to the nation.

  • The American people collectively referred to as “buddy boy”
  • Republicans quickly retaking their seats after realizing they weren’t supposed to rise at mention of domestic terrorism
  • Three to five different pronunciations of “Kyiv”
  • Biden invites bridge restored by infrastructure bill to attend address
  • Nancy Pelosi spacing out until she hears valuable information to commit insider trading
  • Twenty-six straight minutes on how marbles used to be made
  • Moment of silence for dead campaign promises
  • A break halfway through for the world premiere of the Thor: Love And Thunder trailer
  • Complete mangling of the phrase “Let’s be crystal clear”
  • Maybe one of these old fucks will straight up keel over and die