WASHINGTON—Touting his administration’s commitment to improving the nation’s rapidly deteriorating infrastructure, President Joe Biden announced Monday that he had officially secured the United States of America an extra trash can. “After extensive negotiations with congressional leaders, I’m pleased to report we have hammered out a bipartisan plan to stop by an Ace Hardware over on 14th Street and pick up one additional container for the nation’s curbside waste pickup,” said the commander in chief, who christened the 55-gallon gray plastic bin by digging around in his pocket, fishing out a chewing gum wrapper that had reportedly been in his pocket all afternoon, and tossing it into the open bin. “Today we celebrate this historic milestone by hauling this garbage can out to a curb in Kansas, where it will be available for Americans from all walks of life to dispose of any trash they have that doesn’t fit into the nation’s existing receptacles. We have been assured it satisfies the requirements of the Wichita Department of Sanitation for a weekly pickup slot along the Tuesday route, and we are proud to be taking this bold step toward beautifying our country for future generations.” At press time, sources confirmed the trash can been rejected and removed from service by a local homeowners association for being the wrong shade of gray.
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