Biden Touted As Modern-Day FDR After Getting Hand Job From Cousin In Upstate New York

Illustration for article titled Biden Touted As Modern-Day FDR After Getting Hand Job From Cousin In Upstate New York

WASHINGTON—Applauding the commander-in-chief for channeling one of the United States’ most popular past leaders, media pundits touted President Joe Biden as a modern-day Franklin Delano Roosevelt Wednesday after he got a hand job from his cousin in upstate New York. “If you had told me during the primaries that the former vice president would be taking actions that put him on par with the architect of the New Deal, I never would have believed it, but here we are,” said CNN analyst Jim Acosta, praising Biden’s bold decision to park with his fourth cousin on a hilltop in the Hudson Valley region of New York while she masturbated him to completion. “Biden is clearly seeing the historical parallels between the enormous challenges the 32nd president faced during the 1940s and his own administration, and he’s responded by getting his pud tugged by a distant relative. And if this is already starting to happen, I think it’s just the beginning, and I wouldn’t be surprised if we begin seeing a lot more people from his extended family jacking off President Biden in the next four years.” Acosta added that Biden could cement his status as the second coming of FDR by becoming gradually frailer and eventually dying in office.