WASHINGTON—Stressing that the United States was doing relatively well all things considered, President Joe Biden touted an incredible state of the union Tuesday when compared to what’s going on in Ukraine. “You’d think that we’re not doing so hot right now, but then you watch the news about Ukraine and realize it could be a whole helluva lot worse,” said President Biden, adding that the infrastructure of Pittsburgh looks a lot better than the crumbling Kyiv buildings currently being bombed by a foreign power. “Let me tell ya, I would not be happy to be the president of Ukraine right now and have to give a speech about resilience and bravery, no sir, but this is an absolute cakewalk. I mean, sure, we have a crisis at our border and people starving in the streets, but no more than what’s normal. God bless the troops and God bless the United States or whatever, but God bless the Ukraine, because those poor bastards need it way more than us.” At press time, Biden bragged about how since he had become president, there had not been a single missile strike in the U.S.
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