Biden Unveils $4 Trillion Bill For Dinosaur Statues, Giant Twine Balls To Restore Nation’s Crumbling Highway Attractions

Illustration for article titled Biden Unveils $4 Trillion Bill For Dinosaur Statues, Giant Twine Balls To Restore Nation’s Crumbling Highway Attractions

WASHINGTON—Noting the deterioration of roadside dinosaur statues and giant twine balls, President Joe Biden unveiled a $4 trillion bill Wednesday to restore the nation’s crumbling highway attractions. “For far too long, our nation’s giant fiberglass hot dogs and triceratops statues have fallen into a state of disrepair,” said Biden, who outlined his plan to renovate the country’s wax museums and replace neon light tubes in oversized cowboy signage. “We hope to stimulate local economies, creating jobs through crafting and installing giant tea cups made of plaster. The goal is to take decrepit, sometimes hazardous attractions and turn them into points of pride for their communities. We need to do everything we can to preserve our mystery spots and corn palaces.” At press time, Biden allocated an additional $500 million to build the largest chocolate chip cookie in America.