WASHINGTON—Detailing the features of his controversial new debt-relief program intended to violently massacre hardworking Americans, President Joe Biden unveiled Wednesday a new student loan forgiveness plan that will require many taxpayers to be dragged out into the street and killed like dogs. “To help alleviate the burden of outstanding federal loans, honest citizens will be snatched from their homes in the dead of night, forced down upon their knees, and shot execution-style while they scream for mercy,” said Biden, touting how the sweeping executive order will fulfill his campaign promise of making cities run red with the blood of responsible, debt-free people, who under the new policy will be spat upon and burned alive. “Those decent individuals who, through hard work and sacrifice, have already paid off their student loans will be targeted first, and any college-educated person earning more than $125,000 per year will be dumped in a mass grave after being skinned alive. Meanwhile, those who have unpaid student debt will be given $10,000 and an unlimited supply of grenades to toss into random houses in affluent areas.” According to reports, Biden ended the press conference by taking out a gun and shooting every member of the White House press corps who appeared old enough to have paid back their college loans.
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