WILMINGTON, DE—As the moderate wing of the Democratic Party consolidated its backing around his candidacy, former Vice President Joe Biden reportedly wondered Thursday where all this support was back when he still had a functioning brain. “Here’s the deal: I’m flattered that everyone’s voting for me and the big Democratic donors are giving me a lot of money, but look, I used to have a general idea of what was happening, and it would’ve been nice if they’d shown me that kind of support back then,” said the former vice president, trailing off and staring blankly for a moment before telling reporters that he didn’t win a single state when he ran for the party’s nomination in either 1988 or 2008, when he would have been physically and cognitively prepared for the demands of running in a general election. “I’ve been pandering to people and compromising progressive goals for decades, and now you’re just throwing all this campaign support and money behind me? I was lucid for 70 years! I honestly can’t figure you people out. Why are you just now saying Joe Biden should be president when I can’t hold a train of thought for longer than 10 seconds or talk to anyone on the campaign trail without getting agitated and sticking my finger in their face? What is your deal?” Sources confirmed that Biden also wondered why the Democrats were supporting him now that he wouldn’t be the only candidate in clear mental decline with a history of reactionary policies in the race.
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