PARK RIDGE, IL—Claiming that the wounds of their past ran far too deep, representatives from the Ohio State Buckeyes and the Michigan Wolverines announced Tuesday that they were unable to negotiate a truce to their complex rivalry at last week's historic Big Ten Peace Summit. "The fact that talks broke down was unfortunate, but that both sides were willing to finally come to the table is certainly a step in the right direction," said summit host and Big Ten Commissioner James Delaney, who was flanked by coaches Jim Tressel and Rich Rodriguez. "Until Michigan recognizes Ohio State as 1973's true Rose Bowl representative, and Ohio State fans acknowledge the legitimacy of Michigan's statehood by immediately halting any singing of the song, 'We Don't Give A Damn For The Whole State Of Michigan,' none of these important talks can move forward." After leaving the summit, both Tressel and Rodriguez were killed in a series of coordinated team-bus bombs.
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