Biggest Hidden Costs Of Giving Birth In America

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As if giving birth wasn’t traumatizing enough, just wait until you see the hospital bill. According to doctors, patients, and debt collectors alike, these are the biggest hidden costs of giving birth in America.

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Indecent Exposure Fine

Mothers are stunned at having to pay a $1,000 misdemeanor for revealing their vagina in the delivery room.

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Claiming Specific Baby

Unless you pony up and pay this charge, doctors will send you home with a baby randomly selected from the maternity ward.

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Souvenir Action Photograph

Hospitals will snap a photo of your group at the moment the baby crowns, then trying to soak you for $30 for one cheap glossy printout.

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Giant Ceremonial Scissors

Most parents want some fanfare when they cut the umbilical cord, but that level of panache doesn’t come cheap.

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Add-On Toenails

If you want your kid to have toenails, that’s another $3,000. Fingernails are even more expensive.

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Your Doctor’s Entrance Music

The cost of licensing a track like Gucci Mane’s “Lemonade” can add thousands of dollars to your bill.

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Money Fee

Can be up to $500 to cover the cost of the hospital taking your money.

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Big Fishing Net To Catch Baby

You can avoid this cost by stealing one from a boat in the dead of night.

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Baby Makeup

Newborns naturally look kinda gross, which is why hospitals charge you for the mascara and lipstick that is applied to every baby.

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Delivery Room Jester

Their rates are higher than you’d think.

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Blind Soothsayer To Tell If Your Child Is The One Mentioned In The Great Prophecy

Good luck finding an in-network soothsayer!

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Placenta Happy Hour

The Placenta Happy Hour at hospitals is always fun, but the $30 charge for a cocktail is completely outrageous.

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Lamp Fee

Wanna turn on that lamp by the bed? Gonna cost you.

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Bailing Your Baby Out Of Jail After It Slaps The Doctor Back

You’ll also have to buy him an adorable little suit for his future court date.

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The Vagina Tariff Of 1833

This centuries-old tax on having a vagina during childbirth is still strictly enforced in most states.

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Extortion Payment To Hungry Baba Yaga

Though annoying, you’ll have to cough this up if you want to make it past her hut with your baby.

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Sales Tax

This 10% tax goes towards local services, like the hospital CEO’s nannies.

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The ‘Told You So’ Fee

The doctor told you that you’d cave and get an epidural! That will be $2000.

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