As if giving birth wasn’t traumatizing enough, just wait until you see the hospital bill. According to doctors, patients, and debt collectors alike, these are the biggest hidden costs of giving birth in America.
Indecent Exposure Fine
Mothers are stunned at having to pay a $1,000 misdemeanor for revealing their vagina in the delivery room.
Claiming Specific Baby
Unless you pony up and pay this charge, doctors will send you home with a baby randomly selected from the maternity ward.
Souvenir Action Photograph
Hospitals will snap a photo of your group at the moment the baby crowns, then trying to soak you for $30 for one cheap glossy printout.
Giant Ceremonial Scissors
Most parents want some fanfare when they cut the umbilical cord, but that level of panache doesn’t come cheap.
If you want your kid to have toenails, that’s another $3,000. Fingernails are even more expensive.
Your Doctor’s Entrance Music
The cost of licensing a track like Gucci Mane’s “Lemonade” can add thousands of dollars to your bill.
Can be up to $500 to cover the cost of the hospital taking your money.
Big Fishing Net To Catch Baby
You can avoid this cost by stealing one from a boat in the dead of night.
Newborns naturally look kinda gross, which is why hospitals charge you for the mascara and lipstick that is applied to every baby.
Delivery Room Jester
Their rates are higher than you’d think.
Blind Soothsayer To Tell If Your Child Is The One Mentioned In The Great Prophecy
Good luck finding an in-network soothsayer!
Placenta Happy Hour
The Placenta Happy Hour at hospitals is always fun, but the $30 charge for a cocktail is completely outrageous.
Wanna turn on that lamp by the bed? Gonna cost you.
Bailing Your Baby Out Of Jail After It Slaps The Doctor Back
You’ll also have to buy him an adorable little suit for his future court date.
The Vagina Tariff Of 1833
This centuries-old tax on having a vagina during childbirth is still strictly enforced in most states.
Extortion Payment To Hungry Baba Yaga
Though annoying, you’ll have to cough this up if you want to make it past her hut with your baby.
This 10% tax goes towards local services, like the hospital CEO’s nannies.
The ‘Told You So’ Fee
The doctor told you that you’d cave and get an epidural! That will be $2000.