Controversial Missouri Senator Josh Hawley is releasing a new book titled Manhood: The Masculine Virtues Americans Need as a defense of masculinity and its role in American democracy. While the book won’t be released for nearly a year, The Onion was able to secure an early draft. Here are the biggest revelations in Manhood.
His former classmates noticed his cowardice even back then.
Women are trying to destroy the beloved male traits of violence and misogyny.
The one quantifiable measure of masculinity is how strongly you can resist passing gun control reform in the face of weekly massacres of school children.
The book centers on life in the slow country town of Hawley’s youth.
“No one has done more damage to American masculinity than Olaf,” Hawley writes. “He is made of snow. He will never be a real man.”
So don’t waste your time looking.
Sexism, plain and dry.
Explaining his opposition to ObamaCare, Hawley argues testosterone is a natural remedy for any ailment.
Sprinkle salt around your bed at dusk to ward off these harpies.
Most of the book is just the words “placeholder” and “Josh Hawley TK” repeated in different fonts.
The number of adverbs and split infinitives that distract from any erotic content is one thing. But phrases like “sweatily fumbling ball of limbs” are barely comprehensible, let alone titillating.
Does an endorsement from the master of suspense really mean anything at this point?
Several chapters are devoted to penis size, penis length, penis girth, penis area, penis agility, penis responsiveness, penis resilience, and penis decorum.
He repeatedly stresses that he is fine but not especially thrilled with representing the mediocre people of Missouri.
The Missouri senator goes on to argue that 7 is “actually quite good” and “far above average for the typical U.S. female.”
Obviously not expecting anyone to make it that far in the book, the last couple chapters are just rambling observations about his favorite shapes and colors.
Appropriate: A blonde bison, breasts oozing apple pie filling, a nun in a cowboy hat. Inappropriate: Two robots kissing.
And he’s not going to, no matter how much his wife begs because he’s the head of the household.
If there’s any money left after that, he’s going to get limb-lengthening surgery too.
Chapter 12 details how floored he remains that his Democratic colleagues are too cowardly to hold him accountable for clearly seditious acts.