Biggest Revelations From The Johnny Depp–Amber Heard Trial

Biggest Revelations From The Johnny Depp–Amber Heard Trial

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Our Society Is Not Philosophically Or Emotionally Intelligent Enough To Be Weighing In On This Trial

Our Society Is Not Philosophically Or Emotionally Intelligent Enough To Be Weighing In On This Trial

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After six weeks of constant analysis and content, the verdict is in: We are as a people simply too impatient, stupid, and psychologically stunted to be discussing this trial at all.

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They Don’t Appear To Be On Good Terms With Each Other

They Don’t Appear To Be On Good Terms With Each Other

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Though who knows, give it time.

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Domestic Violence Is A Refreshingly Uncomplicated Topic

Domestic Violence Is A Refreshingly Uncomplicated Topic

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Some might assume it was a fraught one, but this trial has really shown how easy it is to get to the bottom of domestic violence allegations.

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The Bailiff Seems Nice

The Bailiff Seems Nice

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It’s good to find positives where you can.

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Johnny Depp Is An Actor

Johnny Depp Is An Actor

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We’d always wondered.

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Being Very Wealthy And Famous May Sometimes Have A Mild Effect On One’s Personality And Relationships

Being Very Wealthy And Famous May Sometimes Have A Mild Effect On One’s Personality And Relationships

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It’s rare, but it has been known to happen.

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Johnny Depp Never Saw Johnny Depp Hit Amber Heard

Johnny Depp Never Saw Johnny Depp Hit Amber Heard

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In a devastating blow to Heard’s case, the man closest to her said under oath that he never saw himself strike her.

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The Most Toxic Participants In This Trial Are The Viewers At Home

The Most Toxic Participants In This Trial Are The Viewers At Home

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If you think Heard and Depp are caustic and unhinged, try looking in the mirror.

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Amber Heard Is Currently Single

Amber Heard Is Currently Single

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Johnny Depp’s loss is your gain.

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‘Jomber’ Has Yet To Catch On As Their Celebrity Couple Name

‘Jomber’ Has Yet To Catch On As Their Celebrity Couple Name

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No one knows what you’re talking about when you say ‘Ambjo,’ either.

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Amber Heard Shit In Johnny Depp’s Toilet

Amber Heard Shit In Johnny Depp’s Toilet

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News of her unhinged behavior went viral after it was revealed that Heard willfully defecated in the privacy of Depp’s bathroom.

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Celebrities Know Each Other

Celebrities Know Each Other

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They hang out sometimes and occasionally even enter into relationships with one another.

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You Don’t See Too Many Grown Men Going By ‘Johnny’ These Days

You Don’t See Too Many Grown Men Going By ‘Johnny’ These Days

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They all prefer to be called John now.

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Relationships Are Tough

Relationships Are Tough

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Can we all just take a moment to acknowledge this truth, that relationships are hard work?

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Judges Are Human Beings, Not Life-Size Puppets Operated By Someone Hiding Under That Elevated Desk They Sit At

Judges Are Human Beings, Not Life-Size Puppets Operated By Someone Hiding Under That Elevated Desk They Sit At

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Who knew?

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Live-Streamed Celebrity Trials Are An Unimpeachable Societal Good

Live-Streamed Celebrity Trials Are An Unimpeachable Societal Good

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Full speed ahead!

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Johnny Depp Still Alive

Johnny Depp Still Alive

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You could have sworn he was dead when you accidentally ran him over on the night of Jan. 3, 2017, and then accidentally backed over him again. But the ol’ bastard is apparently still ticking.

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A Shrimp’s Heart Is In Its Head

A Shrimp’s Heart Is In Its Head

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Isn’t that nuts? We got bored watching the trial and started reading about shrimp on the internet.

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We’re Never Getting Back The Wedding Gift We Sent Them

We’re Never Getting Back The Wedding Gift We Sent Them

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It’s a nice silver one with a crank handle on the side. We’ve sent several messages over the past few years with no response yet.

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The Hard Problem Of Consciousness Is Essentially Unsolvable Due To Bio-Ontological-Phenomenological Barriers

The Hard Problem Of Consciousness Is Essentially Unsolvable Due To Bio-Ontological-Phenomenological Barriers

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In shocking testimony, one of Amber Heard’s maids confirmed that humanity will never get to the bottom of the qualitative-quantitative split and a material explanation for the arising of consciousness due to limitations inherent to the human mind.

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If Johnny Depp Was Our Boyfriend, We Would Buy A Big House And He Would Never Get Mad At Us

If Johnny Depp Was Our Boyfriend, We Would Buy A Big House And He Would Never Get Mad At Us

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The house would be a tropical beach house and we would have 16 servants and we would recreate the ice dance scene from Edward Scissorhands and kiss and never fight.

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Celebrities Can Make A Lot Of Money

Celebrities Can Make A Lot Of Money

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Apparently, you can lead a lavish lifestyle simply by being incredibly popular in show business.

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Depp Unable To Grow Back Limbs Like A Salamander

Depp Unable To Grow Back Limbs Like A Salamander

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The reason Depp’s fingertip was severed is disputed, but the fact that he needed surgery confirms his inability to sprout new appendages like a newt, salamander, or starfish.

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Celebrities Abuse Their Significant Others Just Like The Rest Of Us

Celebrities Abuse Their Significant Others Just Like The Rest Of Us

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Nothing more relatable than physical and psychological abuse of those close to us.

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People Should Use The Internet Less

People Should Use The Internet Less

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Probably the main takeaway here.

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Talking About It Is Great For Web Traffic

Talking About It Is Great For Web Traffic

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Look at that Comscore go, go, go!

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