Biggest Shortcomings Of Tesla’s Self-Driving Cars

Biggest Shortcomings Of Tesla’s Self-Driving Cars

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Although Elon Musk touts self-driving cars as the way of the future, the following shortcomings of Tesla’s autopilot mode are too big to ignore.

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No Blades On Sides

No Blades On Sides

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Currently, a Tesla can only mow down persons in front of it without any carnage on left or right.

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Elon Musk Makes Money When You Buy A Tesla

Elon Musk Makes Money When You Buy A Tesla

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It’s a huge flaw that every purchase of a Tesla makes the richest person in the world even richer.

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Each Tesla Comes With One Of Elon Musk’s Kids In The Backseat

Each Tesla Comes With One Of Elon Musk’s Kids In The Backseat

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A lot of consumers aren’t enjoying the fact that they get parental custody of one of Elon’s kids that’s placed in the car seat that comes preloaded in every Tesla.

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Don’t Cost Enough Money

Don’t Cost Enough Money

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If you can get a car for only $110,000, is it even worth it?

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Autopilot Keeps Taking People To Dick Van Dyke’s House

Autopilot Keeps Taking People To Dick Van Dyke’s House

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The beloved sitcom star has pleaded with Tesla to fix this long-standing software bug.

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You Can’t Choose The Kid You Kill

You Can’t Choose The Kid You Kill

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No matter how hard you try, the autopilot feature won’t let you strike down that annoying O’Malley kid.

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High Rate Of Botched Circumcisions

High Rate Of Botched Circumcisions

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Regular cars are much better at removing foreskin.

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Always Take The Long Way To Avoid Their Bullies

Always Take The Long Way To Avoid Their Bullies

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You’ll need to face them one day, Tesla. You can’t live in fear forever.

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Don’t Honk When You’re Horny

Don’t Honk When You’re Horny

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Oddly, Tesla’s self-driving technology has no mechanism for passengers to register levels of sexual arousal for any purpose.

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Still Unable To Fill The Void

Still Unable To Fill The Void

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But…but…everything was supposed to be better!

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Manual Crank Windows

Manual Crank Windows

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A minor oversight by Tesla engineers who got sidetracked creating the vehicle’s “Fart Mode.”

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Faulty Corpse Guard

Faulty Corpse Guard

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The wedge-shaped apparatus mounted to the car’s front bumper has been known to malfunction, causing pieces of schoolchildren and off-leash dogs to become stuck in the device.

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They Don’t Slow Down When Passing A Hot Babe

They Don’t Slow Down When Passing A Hot Babe

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Before you can lower your sunglasses to get a load of that, the woman of your dreams is already in the rearview mirror.

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Lacking The Rustic Charms Of A Jalopy

Lacking The Rustic Charms Of A Jalopy

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Tesla users increasingly miss the old-fashioned thrill of a shuddering, dilapidated vehicle.

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Murderous Rampage Button Next To Seat Warmer

Murderous Rampage Button Next To Seat Warmer

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It’s far too easy to accidentally cause mass casualties on a chilly day.

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Never Spontaneously Combust When You Want Them Too

Never Spontaneously Combust When You Want Them Too

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Committing auto insurance fraud shouldn’t be this difficult.

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Sometimes Leave Survivors

Sometimes Leave Survivors

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If you’re gonna run someone over, there can’t be witnesses.

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Cannot Learn to Love You Back

Cannot Learn to Love You Back

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They can drive for hours on a single charge, but they can never return your feelings.

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