Although Elon Musk touts self-driving cars as the way of the future, the following shortcomings of Tesla’s autopilot mode are too big to ignore.
No Blades On Sides
Currently, a Tesla can only mow down persons in front of it without any carnage on left or right.
Elon Musk Makes Money When You Buy A Tesla
It’s a huge flaw that every purchase of a Tesla makes the richest person in the world even richer.
Each Tesla Comes With One Of Elon Musk’s Kids In The Backseat
A lot of consumers aren’t enjoying the fact that they get parental custody of one of Elon’s kids that’s placed in the car seat that comes preloaded in every Tesla.
Don’t Cost Enough Money
If you can get a car for only $110,000, is it even worth it?
Autopilot Keeps Taking People To Dick Van Dyke’s House
The beloved sitcom star has pleaded with Tesla to fix this long-standing software bug.
You Can’t Choose The Kid You Kill
No matter how hard you try, the autopilot feature won’t let you strike down that annoying O’Malley kid.
High Rate Of Botched Circumcisions
Regular cars are much better at removing foreskin.
Always Take The Long Way To Avoid Their Bullies
You’ll need to face them one day, Tesla. You can’t live in fear forever.
Don’t Honk When You’re Horny
Oddly, Tesla’s self-driving technology has no mechanism for passengers to register levels of sexual arousal for any purpose.
Still Unable To Fill The Void
But…but…everything was supposed to be better!
Manual Crank Windows
A minor oversight by Tesla engineers who got sidetracked creating the vehicle’s “Fart Mode.”
Faulty Corpse Guard
The wedge-shaped apparatus mounted to the car’s front bumper has been known to malfunction, causing pieces of schoolchildren and off-leash dogs to become stuck in the device.
They Don’t Slow Down When Passing A Hot Babe
Before you can lower your sunglasses to get a load of that, the woman of your dreams is already in the rearview mirror.
Lacking The Rustic Charms Of A Jalopy
Tesla users increasingly miss the old-fashioned thrill of a shuddering, dilapidated vehicle.
Murderous Rampage Button Next To Seat Warmer
It’s far too easy to accidentally cause mass casualties on a chilly day.
Never Spontaneously Combust When You Want Them Too
Committing auto insurance fraud shouldn’t be this difficult.
Sometimes Leave Survivors
If you’re gonna run someone over, there can’t be witnesses.
Cannot Learn to Love You Back
They can drive for hours on a single charge, but they can never return your feelings.