JEFFERSONTOWN, KY—Expressing frustration at not having left the house sooner, local bigot Doug Weber, 43, was reportedly annoyed late Monday night after discovering that the mosque he intended to deface had been vandalized before he got there. “Shit, somebody beat me to it,” said Weber, clenching his jaw and shaking his head as he scrutinized the graffiti-covered walls of the Muslim place of worship. “Ugh, I can’t fucking believe this. I drove all the way across town and there isn’t even a single window left to smash. I went and got all this goddamn spray paint, too. Now what am I supposed to do with it?” At press time, Weber decided to just spray-paint a Muslim slur on top of the other graffiti.

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