MEDINA, WA—Explaining that not a single one has ever been able to contain his “monster hog,” billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates reportedly offered $1 million Wednesday to any person who designs a condom he can’t break. “While I wish all who enter good luck, I should warn you that the most gifted minds have repeatedly failed to develop a rubber that can withstand the thrusting of this massive, throbbing one-eyed monster of mine. My gigantic cock splits them apart every time,” said Gates, adding, “I know how to fucking work it,” and that he will likely just put most participants’ contraceptives “through their paces with my anaconda dick.” “Peek into our bedroom, and all you’ll find is a graveyard of sad, tattered condoms. Trojans, Magnums, Skyns, it doesn’t matter—when I bust a nut, the pathetic latex bursts apart like a firehose blasting through a piece of goddamn paper. Frankly, I don’t see why this katana of mine won’t simply cut through every sheath on planet Earth, the way I shoot my load. I commend whoever dares tame this beast; however, it’s almost certain to be a losing battle.” At press time, a nude, fully erect Gates stood towering over what remained of more than 10,000 torn and tattered experimental contraceptives.