MEDINA, WA—Calling everything he had done in his life and career up to this point in time “absolutely worthless,” Bill Gates told reporters Friday that he wondered what he could have accomplished if he didn’t waste time becoming a billionaire. “It’s sad to think about, but I ultimately could have done some truly amazing things with my life if I hadn’t spent every waking minute accumulating absolutely ungodly amounts of wealth,” said the Gates Foundation co-chair, adding that he had so many opportunities to do things like end world hunger and eradicate poverty, but instead he opted to piss his time away focusing on acquiring and hoarding over $118 billion. “With the kind of fortune I have, I know deep down that I easily could have ended climate change, promoted human rights, or provided meals to children starving to death both in the U.S. and abroad. The truth is, if I’d really wanted to, I could have made the world an amazing place for my kids to grow up in, but instead I went and spent all my time making computers, buying farmland, and being one of the top 10 richest people on the planet. Fucking pathetic.” At press time, Gates added that if he could do it all over again, he would focus less on the money and more on his family, friends, and the underage girls on Jeffrey Epstein’s island.