SEATTLE, WA—Calling their intended investment “$20 million down the goddamn drain,” philanthropist Bill Gates and wife Melinda released a statement Wednesday saying they were shocked to learn that the Akantome Elementary School in Ejura, Ghana had neither a plan in place nor indeed any intention to return funds borrowed in 2008 to establish the institution. “What kind of deadbeat takes money from someone and simply doesn’t give it back?” Gates asked of the Sekyedumase District primary school and community center erected with the help of what they refer to as his “extremely generous loan” for which the business magnate expected to be repaid in total, plus interest. “When they pitched me on building a school where kids could receive an education in secure classrooms with adequate furniture and sufficient educational materials, I assumed I’d be spotting them at 6 percent over five years. They apparently thought I was giving them a present, I guess out of the fucking kindness of my heart? Unbelievable. Let’s cut the shit: we’ve given them a decade to come correct and now it’s time to wet our beaks.” Gates added that his family has been able to cushion the loss with millions of dollars in interest paid monthly by hundreds of other schools, libraries, and hospitals across Africa.

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