Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

With global warming, deadly pandemics, and political instability threatening to destroy society as we know it, more and more billionaires are preparing for a doomsday scenario. The Onion asked some of the most powerful people in the world how they will survive the apocalypse, and this is what they said.

Advertisement

Bill Gates

Bill Gates

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“Nuclear weapons, flesh-eating viruses, and even a few literal demons from hell—you name it, I have it and will be ready to use it to start the apocalypse.”

Advertisement

Mark Cuban

Mark Cuban

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“I’ve invested $200,000 for 10% equity in an iodine dispensary startup called Radiation Bros.”

Advertisement

Jack Ma

Jack Ma

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“My private security force kidnapped Bear Grylls, who will be forced to do the survival work once it all goes down.”

Advertisement

Mark Zuckerberg

Mark Zuckerberg

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“Hanging in my cool Meta chat room! It’s awesome! You’ve got to come check it out before it gets too crowded!”

Advertisement

Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“I’ve created a community of 800 people outside of Yakutsk who believe the apocalypse has already happened, so if the time comes when I need to join them, they should have their affairs in order.”

Advertisement

Bill Gates

Bill Gates

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“I’m backing up my Microsoft Word docs to an external hard drive.”

Advertisement

Steve Ballmer

Steve Ballmer

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“I learned how to use a knife the other day.”

Advertisement

Sam Bankman-Fried

Sam Bankman-Fried

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“I will have no resources for anyone to loot after I put all my assets into this shitty-looking virtual cocktail lounge.”

Advertisement

Charles Koch

Charles Koch

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“I pay people to worry about minutiae like that.”

Advertisement

George Lucas

George Lucas

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“With humanity on the brink of extinction, I bet I could buy Lucasfilm back from Disney pretty cheap.”

Advertisement

Michael Bloomberg

Michael Bloomberg

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“Perhaps the collapse of civilization might convince voters to give me a second chance as president.”

Advertisement

Jeffrey Epstein

Jeffrey Epstein

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“Stocking up on children just in case.”

Advertisement

Oprah Winfrey

Oprah Winfrey

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“I’ll be launching the missile that sets it in motion.”

Advertisement

Jeff Bezos

Jeff Bezos

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“Speeding it up.”

Advertisement

Sundar Pichai

Sundar Pichai

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“I’m paying a team of programmers to figure out how to give the apocalypse ad breaks.”

Advertisement

Larry Page

Larry Page

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“I’m making sure I say ‘I love you’ every day to each and every dollar I have.”

Advertisement

Jim Walton

Jim Walton

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“I get 10% off at Walmart, so I’ve been stocking up.”

Advertisement

George Joseph

George Joseph

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“I intend to get ahead of the apocalypse by dying of natural causes very soon.”

Advertisement

Peter Thiel

Peter Thiel

Image for article titled Billionaires Explain How They Are Preparing For The Apocalypse

“I’m not sure. I’ll just be grateful for any small part I might have played in it.”

Advertisement