Illustration for article titled Billions Of Blessed Souls Forced To Wander Earth During Heavenly Fumigation

EARTH—Describing the situation as “less than ideal,” billions of blessed souls were forced to wander around Earth this week during a pest-control fumigation of Heaven. “Even after living a life of faith, service, purity, and good works, we’re told that for the next 36 hours, we’re not allowed in His Everlasting Kingdom, which is just insulting on top of being a gigantic pain in the ass,” said eternally venerated spirit Darlene Lewis, adding that she found it hard to get a good night’s sleep away from her own cloud and resented being sent to the mortal realm and denied the opportunity to walk among the angels. “Not that I’m questioning His infinite wisdom, but God gave us practically no notice. I’ve been crashing on my husband’s couch all week, his new wife is starting to get annoyed, and my back is killing me. I’m ready to ascend to paradise again.” When contacted for comment, heavenly sources entreated blessed souls to please stop trying to get through the gas-proof plastic sheet tenting around the Pearly Gates.


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