BLUEFIELD, WV—In an attempt to address any fears they might have about the animal’s welfare, local man Roger Carlisle reportedly assured his houseguests Monday that he sometimes opens his parakeet’s cage so the bird can flutter around the house in a frantic and doomed bid for freedom. “Don’t worry, I know the cage looks small, but every now and then I let him out so he can desperately try to escape the miserable hell in which he spends his life,” said Carlisle, explaining how he allows the blue-and-white Australian budgerigar to perch by a large bay window and warble in despair while presumably longing to return to his natural place in the wild. “Trust me, he gets plenty of exercise pecking at the TV, which he seems to think is some sort of gateway out of this prison. I’ll let him do that for a few hours before I scoop him up and put him back in his cage as he chirps in protest and tries to fly away from me, something he will never succeed in doing, because his wings are clipped.” Carlisle added that he also allows his cat to play in the same room as the caged bird to ensure the parakeet has company and can feel the visceral fear of death on a continual basis.

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