PORTLAND, OR—Closing out a highly anticipated series of lectures, talks, and panels on the topic of hallucinogenic drugs in contemporary society, the Portland Psychedelic Science Conference’s keynote address was delivered Wednesday by a bird that could read everyone’s thoughts, according to witnesses. “Every line of the keynote that bird implanted into my brain was so inspiring and enlightening—I’ve never experienced anything like it,” conference attendee and psychedelic enthusiast Freddie Thomas said of the headlining iridescent magpie, who concluded nearly a week of academic discourse on substances such as peyote, LSD, psilocybin, and more by vibrating the spiritual energy of the universe to deliver a powerful speech that encompassed all of humanity’s thoughts—past, present, and future. “It was like it knew what I was thinking before I did, and then it made me think it. But it sounded like my own voice. It was telling me its bird-words without a sound, and when I looked around, I, too, could read everyone’s minds, and they were all experiencing the same thing. At one point, the bird grew really big and laid a cosmic egg that radiated pure positivity and love. We might’ve had the opportunity to address all that during the Q and A, but before we could, the egg hatched into a hundred blue tongues that licked us as we giggled. It was way better than yesterday’s panel, when the neon dolphin got locked into a pedantic debate about clinical trials with a sliver of the moon.” At press time, Thomas had expressed excitement after a drawer in the middle of the magpie’s belly opened to reveal a coupon for complimentary breakfast at the downtown Hyatt where the conference was held.
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