MIAMI—As the Chicago Bulls prepare to face the Miami Heat in what is a must-win playoff elimination game for Chicago, sources around the world confirmed Wednesday that a bitter feud is rapidly building up between Bulls center Joakim Noah and the rest of the human race.
The growing resentment that reportedly developed in recent years between Noah and every other man, woman, and child living on the earth has swelled into a full-blown acrimony, according to the impassioned testimonials from irate individuals on all seven continents.
“There’s always been bad blood between Joakim Noah and those other 7 billion people,” said Cleveland resident and Cavaliers fan Javier Batista, adding that something about the Chicago post player has always rubbed him and every other human being the wrong way. “On one side, you’ve got this cocky loudmouth whose entire game consists of snatching rebounds, and on the other you’ve got the totality of human life besides Noah who just want to see him fall flat on his ugly face, so, yeah, you can see how there would be some tension.”
“God, I fucking hate him,” continued Batista, who is a target of intense dislike from the NBA All-Star.
According to reports, the simmering hostilities between Noah and the rest of mankind date back to the athlete’s tenure with the University of Florida basketball program beginning in 2004, when the 6’11” center started nurturing a series of vitriolic rivalries with players on opposing teams and their fans. The blistering enmity, 7 billion sources confirmed, quickly spread throughout the human population.
Today, this mutual antagonism encompasses the Bulls star’s tumultuous back-and-forth with referees, sports pundits, and Chicago Bulls fans, all of whom despise Noah, and who in turn are despised by him.
Additionally, sources confirmed that the reciprocated animosity extends to Noah’s relationship with each and every other segment of humanity, including Zen Buddhists, Europe, newborn babies, and the Guajá tribespeople of Brazil, who, despite having extremely limited contact with the outside world, maintain a bright, burning hatred for the Bulls center that is returned by Noah every time he struts out onto the court.
“Yeah, Joakim and all other people have always had it in for each other, but you can definitely see it start to bubble over lately,” said Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau, emphasizing the difficulty in managing an infuriating individual with whom he has exchanged heated words and physical threats on a daily basis.“The way he talks trash every second he’s on the court and beats his chest after making easy tip-ins—and especially that shifty little smirk of his—well, honestly, I’m surprised the world’s peoples haven’t yet stormed the floor and torn him limb from limb.”
“That piece of shit,” added Thibodeau, echoing the feelings of literally everyone on the planet except for Noah himself.
However, such sentiment hasn’t yet fazed the two-time NCAA Championship winner, who, when reached for comment, said he wasn’t going to allow his ongoing feud with the human race to affect his game.
“I tune out all that stuff,” said Noah while staring down the reporter of this article, who even now is seething with rage just thinking about the lanky motherfucker bitching to the refs about a no-call. “Right now, I’m focused on playing good ball and getting a ring, no matter what my teammates, David Stern, various world leaders, the Screen Actors Guild, coma patients, Joni Mitchell, my childhood kindergarten teacher, you, and my parents might think of me. And if any of those billions of people feel like talking shit, they can do it while I’m on my way to the basket.”
“I’m here to win, not to make friends,” added Noah, the fuck.