LONG BEACH, CA—At approximately 7:05 a.m. Monday, sources at St. Mary Medical Center confirmed that local woman Deliah Zahn gave birth to a healthy black mark on the record of Bayer—manufacturer of the birth control pill Yaz—weighing in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces. “I’m pleased to report the labor and delivery went smoothly, and that both mother and [notable blemish on the efficacy of the widely trusted oral contraceptive] are getting some much-needed rest,” said Dr. Patricia Nguyen, who noted that, aside from some mild jaundice, the glaring evidence of the drug’s failure was completely healthy. “I don’t think we’ll need to keep them here for more than another 24 hours. I’m sure the new parents are excited to get back home and start spending time with their [instance falling within the less than 1 percent of cases in which the pill’s active ingredients are unable to prevent pregnancy].” At press time, sources confirmed that Zahn and her husband had decided to name the exceedingly rare—but still statistically possible—accident “Sophia.”