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Blood-Sucking Lamprey Forced To Make Awkward Small Talk With Fish It’s Hooked Onto

ALGONAC, MI—While on a long trip upriver Wednesday, a blood-sucking sea lamprey was forced to make awkward small talk with a lake trout whose flesh it had bored into, sources reported. “At first, I tried to kick back and enjoy the ride in silence, but you can only use your razor-sharp teeth to shred through an organism’s surface tissue and feed off its bodily fluids for so long without saying anything before it starts to get weird,” the parasitic jawless fish told reporters while adhered just below his host’s left pectoral fin. “I asked him a few questions about where he’s from and what he likes to do for fun, and he made some quick little remarks about the current out there today—basic chitchat, you know. I figure it’s just a way to kill some time until I completely drain him of blood and leave him for dead.” The lamprey admitted, however, that while the conversation between him and the lake trout was a bit stiff and uncomfortable, the experience was far better than an encounter the previous week when he attached himself to the side of a salmon that would not stop yapping about her 7,000 kids.

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