YUMA COUNTY, AZ—Keeping pressure on the wound in her side as she trudged beneath the scorching noonday sun, a bloodied Janet Yellen was reportedly spotted dragging U.S. Treasury funds through Arizona’s Yuma Desert on Friday after a tense money supply handoff with the International Monetary Fund went south. “Should have known those trigger-happy IMF boys would try to pull a fast one—they got me good all right, but I gave the bastards back worse,” said the treasury secretary, who grimaced as she pulled a duffel bag containing trillions of dollars in unmarked bills through the endless sand, briefly stopping to fashion her suit jacket into a makeshift head wrap to stave off heatstroke. “Let’s see… Beretta’s only got two bullets left. Damn canteen’s run dry too. Bleeding’s stanched, at least. Every international finance soldado from here to Timbuktu is looking for this bag right now, and I don’t stand to put up much of a fight if they catch me. Nothing for it but to stash the goods, find a doc to pull the lead out of my belly, and lay low in Washington for a spell until I can come back to reclaim what’s rightfully mine.” Emphasizing that if she died, the secret of the money supply’s location would die with her, Yellen was last seen urging Congress to approve her request for extra ammunition after spying a cloud of dust on the horizon from approaching World Bank sicarios.
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