WASHINGTON—In a completely unintended development that has left the superpower scrambling to salvage its reputation on the world stage, the blundering U.S. government has accidentally stabilized a foreign country, sources within the intelligence community confirmed Wednesday. “Aw, shit—that government we installed over there somehow actually enjoys broad popular support among all those ethnic factions we spent so much time and money trying to turn against each other,” said CIA director William Burns, who privately expressed concern that if the “major fuckup” was not addressed immediately, the foreign nation’s peace and stability could spread to other parts of the troubled region in which it is located. “What the hell went wrong? This is not how we do things in the United States. Apparently those sanctions we used to punish them pissed off everyone on all sides, and now they aren’t even beholden to American interests. We need to fix this mess now, or they’ll be outside our sphere of influence forever!” At press time, U.S. policymakers were reportedly afraid to intervene militarily, worried that troops on the ground might actually manage to build a strong, flourishing democracy and vibrant civil society.
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