Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

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CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot. “I saw this large hawk soaring above Section E for most of the morning, but then all of a sudden it just swooped down out of nowhere, snatched Mr. Dole in its talons, and carried him away,” said parking lot attendant Albert Gray, who recalled the long, piercing screech emitted by the raptor as it plunged through the air, seized the 92-year-old by the suit jacket, and soared back up with the former senator held firmly in its clutches. “Poor guy never saw it coming. I tried to warn him, but by the time the words came out, the hawk had grabbed him, and he just went completely limp. Looks like the bird took Mr. Dole up to the roof of the arena where it must have a nest.” At press time, Quicken Loans Arena facility management had confirmed the discovery of a large regurgitated hawk pellet containing Dole’s striped Hermes silk tie.