ANDOVER, MA—While saying he’d always known that “everything would fall apart eventually,” 45-year-old Bruce Lifschitz admitted his surprise to reporters Friday that his body was breaking down in a completely different order than he expected it would. “I’ve had knee pain since I was in my 20s, so I honestly thought those would be the first to cause me real problems, but nope; my back completely gave out on me out of nowhere, and now I can’t move between a sitting and standing position without it flaring up,” said Lifschitz, adding that he had also previously predicted he would be fully bald by this point, but noted with astonishment that his ongoing hair loss had been outpaced by his chronic heartburn and sharply increasing blood pressure. “I thought it was going to go: knees first, then hair, then prostate, and then maybe eyesight and memory after that. I hadn’t even considered that these stomach ulcers would come up. At this point, I really can’t say which part of me is going to give way next.” Lifschitz noted that, for what it’s worth, his arms were doing great and didn’t seem in danger of failing anytime soon.
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