COLUMBUS, NM—Digging in their heels and refusing to stand down, U.S. Customs and Border Patrol authorities were caught in a tense standoff Monday with an independently armed militia over their mutual claim to have detained a migrant family that both groups caught at the same time. “The fact of the matter is that we arrived at the scene first and this family should be taken into custody, neglected, and mistreated by trained law enforcement officials, not a bunch of amateurs who need to back off,” said CBP deputy commissioner Robert Perez as the conflict escalated with members of the border patrol and the militia group tugging on the arms of a trembling, whimpering 8-year-old migrant child. “We’ve been tracking this family since before they even crossed the border. While we appreciate the militia’s passion for justice, they need to realize that there’s no way they’re getting credit for these migrants. There’s plenty more out there. Go get your own. Ultimately, as long as these family members never see each other again, we can proudly say we did our jobs.” At press time, both groups had tried to claim responsibility for killing the entire family.
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