SUITLAND, MD—Saying that at this point she just wondered how long it would take everyone to notice, U.S. Census Bureau employee Rita Edmond confided to reporters Thursday that, out of sheer boredom, she had changed every Ohio resident’s name to Laura. “Ever since I randomly decided to do it this morning, all 11.78 million residents of Ohio, regardless of gender, age, or race, are named Laura,” said Edmond, who added that while she could easily undo the changes, she figured it would be way more fun to leave everyone “Laura” and see what happened. “Look, this job sucks, but this whole ‘Laura’ thing has really made my week. Everyone who lives in Ohio is Laura. Everyone who has ever died in Ohio is Laura! I think I’m going to do Oklahoma next. Everyone there will be named ‘Emma.’” At press time, millions of Ohio’s residents had called upon Gov. Laura DeWine to address whether the name changes were an infringement upon their rights as Lauras.
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