WASHINGTON—Calling the rigorous evaluation process “something to do” for the time being, bored Republican Party officials told reporters Friday they’ve decided to go ahead and vet prospective 2016 presidential contender Rand Paul in order to kill a little time before a viable candidate emerges. “It’s still pretty early, and honestly we don’t have much else to do right now, so we figured we might as well assess Rand Paul’s background and political profile until someone who actually has a decent chance of getting elected comes along,” said Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus, who claimed that, although a thorough appraisal and series of personal interviews would certainly not result in the senator and libertarian-leaning Tea Party member coming anywhere close to the Republican nomination, it would at least provide GOP strategists an interesting, time-consuming endeavor to get them through the next couple months. “Obviously, there’s not a chance we see the name ‘Rand Paul’ on the ballot in 2016, but running his political positions by a few focus groups and making sure he doesn’t have any dirty laundry that might come up in a hypothetical presidential run is better than just sitting on our hands, you know? To be clear, though, once a halfway appealing centrist whom the American people might actually consider getting behind dips his toes in the water, we’re dropping this whole Rand Paul thing on the spot.” Priebus added that, given the utter lack of legitimate 2016 candidates currently out there, the GOP might vet Ted Cruz as well “just for the fuck of it.”
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