SAYLORVILLE, IA—Assuring the New York senator the custom has been observed by seven generations of proud Saylorville citizens, several bored Iowans reportedly decided Friday they would try to convince visiting White House hopeful Kirsten Gillibrand that it’s a local tradition to eat live tarantulas. “It would sure mean a lot to us, ma’am, if you were to participate in our time-honored custom of taking at least one really big bite out of a living, breathing spider,” said resident Jonathan Buckley, who along with dozens of onlooking neighbors struggled to keep a straight face as he watched the contender for the Democratic nomination consider sinking her teeth into a large, hairy arachnid they placed on a plate in front of her a few moments earlier. “Every presidential candidate who comes through town does it. Obama did it, Bill Clinton did it. Oh, and they all swallow it, too—so don’t spit it out! This is how we honor our town’s founder, John B. Saylor, who in the harsh winter of 1850 had to eat tarantulas every day just to survive. Make sure you dig into the thorax, there. That’s the juiciest part.” At press time, sources confirmed a wheezing Gillibrand was assuring the Saylorville crowd she loved the local delicacy as her head and neck swelled up to twice their usual size.
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