GOLDEN, CO—In a move widely lauded as an example of responsible and compassionate stewardship, Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced Monday that he would forgo his annual 2 million-gallon gravy bonus in order to help pay workers who have been furloughed during the restaurant chain’s extended closures. “I am proud to announce that I will be limiting myself to one small side of buttered corn and half a barbecue chicken this year in lieu of any sauce-based compensation I may be entitled to,” said Wyatt in a company-wide memo to employees of all 462 Boston Market locations before thanking them for their continued commitment to rotisserie excellence. “Frankly, I have more than enough gravy to keep my family’s mashed potatoes comfortably smothered for years to come, and that would not be the case if it weren’t for the tireless efforts of you, the Boston Market family of skilled rib slatherers and cornbread bakers, who have dedicated your lives to lovingly piling our charred meats and savory fluids into hot bins under heat lamps. The least I can do is ensure that you needn’t worry where your next meal’s beige liquid topping will be coming from.” At press time, Wyatt publicly called upon the CEOs of Souplantation, Sizzler, and Old Country Buffet to join him in distributing surpluses of garnishes and condiments among their many struggling employees.
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