CINCINNATI—In a horrifying accident that is said to have resulted from obsessive and irresponsible attempts to develop a product with the thickest quilting possible, multiple scientists at paper towel manufacturer Bounty reportedly died screaming Friday after an experimental prototype absorbed their entire lab. “My God, we were only trying to devise a quicker and easier way to clean up everyday messes and spills—what unholiness have we wrought?” said Bounty research and development head Leonard Banco, who was later heard crying in agony as his body dissolved into the blindingly white, fibrous folds of the hyper-absorptive towel. “In the past, our experiments have always stopped once the bright blue liquid was soaked up, but this paper towel appears to be insatiable… Run, you fools! It won’t stop until it has absorbed every last drop of our blood!” At press time, reports confirmed the paper towel had wiped away most of Kentucky and Ohio, sopped up the Great Lakes, and set to work on several tough, set-in condiment stains on the shirtfront of Erie, PA man Don Turnbee.
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