Boyfriend’s Crumbling Mess Of A Life Provides Woman With Rich Array Of Christmas Gift Ideas

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PORTLAND, ME—Marveling at the veritable bonanza of choices offered by his current situation, local woman Alessa Harding revealed Wednesday that the crumbling mess of her boyfriend Tom Etheridge’s life provided her with a rich array of Christmas gift ideas. “Wow, you look at basic list of items that he needs—one clean towel, underwear that isn’t visibly torn, a shower curtain free of mold, maybe a second set of sheets—and the options for radically transforming his life for the better are virtually endless,” said Harding, adding that Etheridge’s knuckles always became so dry in the winter that they persistently bled, so the gift of some heavy-duty hand cream alone would potentially be a game changer for the 28-year-old man. “Honestly, even just some simple food that isn’t cereal or frozen dinners would turn around his pathetic existence. Or I can just scroll through Bed, Bath, & Beyond, grab three of these things alongside some actual glass cups, and literally revolutionize his sad life for under $25. I should get a couple chambray button downs and a crew neck sweater so he doesn’t just wear ratty old T-shirts every single day. The possibilities are so endless that the sad way he lives actually feels like a gift to me.” At press time, Etheridge confirmed that he hoped his girlfriend got him a copy of the PlayStation 5 action RPG Demon’s Souls for Christmas.