LAS VEGAS—In an effort to rehabilitate their industry’s tarnished public image, BP executives were reportedly combating negative perceptions of fossil fuel companies Thursday by putting an iceberg in a hotel room with a murdered prostitute. “BP is committed to a greener tomorrow and acknowledges its past contributions to climate change, but incidents like this show that the melting glaciers are not wholly innocent either,” said CEO Bernard Looney shortly after slipping out of the hotel room and calling in an anonymous tip with TMZ, explaining that the large piece of freshwater ice had been found by police near the dead sex worker, reeking with booze. “Apparently, the cops found half an ounce of crystal meth on the bedside table, and from what I’ve heard the young woman may have been underage. This is, of course, a sickening, vile scene; and unfortunately, it really calls into question this glacier’s motivation for breaking off from its ice sheet in the first place.” At press time, Looney told reporters that the glacier had killed itself in police custody with a smuggled-in hairdryer.
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