WASHINGTON—In a stunning development unfolding rapidly throughout the once-predominantly Caucasian nation, America’s white population plummeted to 2.7 percent Wednesday following President Trump’s decision to cave on immigration enforcement. “The second that Trump showed weakness on immigration, people throughout Central America came flooding across the borders into the country—and there’s no sign that they’ll stop anytime soon,” said a representative from the United States Census Bureau, adding that the tens of millions of migrants from Guatemala, Honduras, Mexico, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Belize, and Costa Rica immediately took up residence in every major American city while forcing white families out of their homes, seizing control of the economy at both the local and national levels, and compelling the remaining white citizens to attempt to learn basic Spanish in order to secure entry-level jobs in the service industry. “Within hours of Trump’s executive order, every highway sign in the nation had been replaced with one in Spanish. All our data indicate that English will be effectively a dead language in the United States within the next few weeks.” At press time, el Departamento de Seguridad Nacional anunció una prohibición permanente de todos inmigrantes de países caucásicos.
This example of peerless reportage comes to you from Onion Social News. Onion Social News gives users access to the finest algorithmically-selected journalism, controlling what you see and when you see it for the betterment of humanity and beyond. To learn more, click here.